I thought you weren't planning on having more kids. The key word there is 'planning'. No, I wasn't planning on having more kids. It wasn't in my 1 year plan, my 5 year plan or my 10 year plan. But here we are. I never planned on having children full stop, but I fell pregnant with Max, and believed it was fates way of telling me I was meant to be a mother. Now, fate is telling me I'm meant to be a mother of 2. I don't exactly understand why right now, but I know it will make sense in time. How can I not trust fate when it's already given me the greatest gift in the universe?
Am I happy about it? Yes. Deliriously happy. You wouldn't guess it, I'm a moody, angry pregnant bitch and I'm so tired, I'm struggling to conjure up any facial expressions at all, let alone a smile. But I am happy. I wouldn't have chosen to follow this path, so I'm glad it chose me. Having said that, I suffered from depression when I was pregnant with Max and this pregnancy is already rapidly heading down the same path. I'm not depressed about the pregnancy, I suppose it's just a hormonal issue I have little control over. I know this dark cloud will lift once the baby arrives, for now, I hope people can cut me a little slack if I seem a bit mopey.
How are you going to cope with another child, when you already struggle to cope with Max. I suspect most people will discuss this issue amongst themselves, rather than ask me directly. The simple answer is, I have absolutely no friggin' idea. But I'll cope. 3 years ago, I wouldn't have believed you if you'd told me everything we'd go through with Max. I coped with that, and I'll cope with this. Interestingly, Max's behaviour has settled quite a lot since I found out I was expecting. He's already had to cope with a few changes, like "Mummy can't do x,y,z with you right now, Mummy is going to throw up". Initially there were tears when I selfishly puked instead of playing with him, but he's quickly adapted to his new, lazy Mum. I'm actually really darn proud of how well he's adapted.
Are you scared that this child will have a stroke too? Not exactly. I'm not scared of another stroke, but I am scared of 'rare, uncommon & unlikely'. Three words which would probably bring most people a certain degree of relief, frighten the bejesus out of me. Maybe only those who've lived it, could understand what I mean by this.
Boy? Girl? Doesn't matter as long as it's healthy right? Wrong. Of course I want my child to be healthy, what parent doesn't? But what happens if it's not healthy? Will my world end? No. Will I love it any less? Of course not. I would be upset and angry and hate on the world for awhile but life will go on. Boy? Girl? It doesn't matter 'as long as he never feels pain I have no control over', and 'as long as she always knows how much I love and want her'. Everything else is a bonus.
A friend of mine, who has a child with extra needs, says of her second born ('normal') child "she has healed me in places I never knew I was broken". This is how I view this pregnancy. It's (hopefully) my chance to end my child bearing days on a more positive note. It's made me realise, how angry and resentful I feel about everything we've been through. I suspect I'll need to write about some of these things as the pregnancy progresses. But for now, I'll leave you with this picture of our precious little munchkin v2.0
Mummy can't wait to hold you sweetheart xxx
