Look at the pregnant woman on the cover of this book. I've never seen a heavily pregnant woman look so happy, so small breasted and so god damn smug. Right from the very beginning The Books Lie. Well.....maybe they don't lie completely, maybe I just glossed over words like 'rare' and 'unlikely'. Perhaps, I deluded myself that I would look as content as Miss Smuggy Pants on the front cover. Nope, I was a bloated whale, I couldn't sleep, restless legs were constant, I permanently had an itch down the middle of my back that I couldn't reach, everything exacerbated heartburn and I could barely walk 10 meters. I was a miserable, sweaty, angry woman.
The month of March bought along severe third trimester nausea & vomitting. I projectile vomitted all over the restrooms at Hungry Jacks. I vomitted at the Bingo hall, right in the middle of the 'jackpot round'. No sympathy with that one, there was a meat tray up for grabs. Eventually, I carried a blue plastic bucket everywhere I went.
On March 22nd, Max was born. After two failed epidurals, I felt every ounce of pain and have been left with chronic, severe, lower back pain. He was vacuumed out, my 'bits' tore all the way from Melbourne to Sydney and the doctor told me to 'shut up' when I screamed. Then, I sat for 6 hours, in 'post baby muck', unable to shower or eat/drink. All good though, because I had my precious little man.
(a few hours old)
And I adored him from the moment we met.
Now this is the book that truly lied. I carried it around with me religiously for the first few weeks of Max's life. It completely did my head in. Their breastfeeding advice didn't work. I actually read that section repeatedly, wondering what the hell I was missing. Their sleep advice didn't work. And the suggestion of twice daily 'sitz baths' was nothing short of comical. It took 3 months, before i could do 'number 2s' without screaming in pain (sorry, too much information). After a few weeks of feeling like I had the most abnormal baby in the world- I threw it against the wall.
The book never said anything about the fact that your baby can feed well, sleep well, act normally, have no temperature and still be on life support the next day. 'What to expect' didn't have a chapter on brain hemorrhages, seizures, medically induced coma's and 'effin rare auto immune disorders.
I'm actually not mad at the book itself (ok, maybe I am a little). I'm just saying that 2011, was not "what I expected". That's the nature of parenting and I've learnt it the hard way.
So, farewell 2011, you've taught me strength, you've taught me love and you've taught me to fight. You bought me happiness so pure, I don't have the words to describe it.
Now, piss off 2011, I've had enough of your crap. Furthermore, I certainly won't be purchasing a copy of this....
Happy new years everyone. Wishing you all a spectacular 2012 xxx
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