Saturday, 17 October 2015

Why didn't you listen?

Why didn't you listen, when I told you things were getting worse? That the strategies weren't working. That I was often afraid of my own son. 

Why didn't you listen, when I tried to explain how relentless it was? How nothing seemed to help? You always cut me off mid-sentence. You never allowed me the air space to convey how extreme things were. 

Some of you told me it was just a 'boy thing'. Some of you told me 'he'd grow out of it'. Some of you told me stories about your own children. Some of you tried to convince me it was normal. You told me all the things I needed to be, to be his Mummy. You tried to send me to Parenting Classes. 

Every night I laid in bed, trying to remember all the things I needed to do, to be a better Mum. Stay calm, even when he's destroying the house, pelting shoes at your face, throwing rocks at cars, hitting people and breaking things. Don't give in, even though the battles are occurring every god damn minute of every god damn day. Laugh it off Faith, this is hilarious, have a sense of humour about it. You're too weak, you need to be stronger. YOU NEED TO BE STRONGER. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT. 

You finally listened, when I finally snapped. You said "I know it's hard but-" and I cut YOU off mid-sentence. I screamed at you, the words I've been screaming inside my head for the last few years "You don't know how hard it is. You have no idea how hard it is. It's not just 'hard', it's freakin' impossible. I can't keep living like this". You tried to talk. I didn't let you. I rambled hysterically for a good 5 minutes, before you managed to calm me down. 

That was the day you finally listened. You referred Max to the Psych Team. A few months later, we met with a Child Psychiatrist and a whole bunch of others from the Psych Team. They all agreed the problems were severe. A few sessions later, we have some answers. Severe ADHD and most likely Autism. He needs medication, (at least for now), sensory profiling, an ASD assessment and language assessments.

When I look at Max now through an Autism 'lens' it all makes so much sense. For years, we've been instructed to treat a chest infection, with a bandaid. That is why nothing ever worked. I'll get over it, but right now? I'm so god damn angry.

We could've been helping him a lot sooner, if only you'd listened. 

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