Free at last

I've never made secret of the fact, that neither of my children were planned. When Silvie was conceived back in 2014, I knew there was something special this child was going to teach me. I mean, what are the odds of a condom breaking on the EXACT same day I ovulate? It was fate and this little girl needed to enter my life. 

For a long time, I didn't understand the reasons fate had chosen to impregnate me with version 2.0. Life was hard enough with Max. Life got even harder once Silvie was born. The sleep deprivation was enormous, the depression became profound and for the first time ever, I was crippled (yes, crippled) by anxiety. 

I was already accustomed to carrying most of the load at home, but with an extra tiny human in the house, the pressure became unbearable. I sometimes wondered if the Universe had made a mistake. What was it trying to teach me, by breaking me entirely? 

I felt trapped. Invisible bars around my house, the reality of living with family violence. I couldn't escape the yelling, the screaming, the constant put downs. I'll never forget the day I finally hit rock bottom. 

That was when I started to see, all the beautiful things my daughter was here to show me. She looked up to me, I was her female role model and what was I teaching her? That it was ok to live with a man who abused and tormented her mother? I knew then, what I needed to do. 

The last 12 months, I've spent rebuilding my sanity and preparing for our escape. I found my inner 'Sparkles' again and discovered that she's still pretty fabulous. Then, last month, with an Army of supporters, we left. 

I'm choking up as I write this. I'll forever be indebted to the amazing people who have helped me in recent months (one very special person in particular). As well as my children, who gave me the strength to keep going, long after I decided to give up. 

I understand, why my daughter chose me to be her mother. She has taught me that if she deserves better, than I deserve better too. I'm proud of the role model I am now. Freedom is a glorious thing and something I'll never take for granted again. It's a different kind of 'happily ever after' and that's a lesson I'm happy to teach her. 

Life is good. The future looks brilliant. 

Team Alpha Wolf Squadron. Over and out.

Now and forever

As I sat down to write this post, Max suddenly launched himself off the coffee table, punched me in the sternum and ran off. That's my life. It changes quickly, without warning and people get hurt. Max's behaviour has regressed again over the last few weeks. The days have been long, stressful and highly unpredictable. I've recently started medication to help me manage my own anxiety. 

Preparations for Max's schooling in 2017 are in full swing. We won't know if he is eligible for a Specialist School until he has completed a heap of assessments. Hopefully this will be done by July, but for the meantime, I'm stuck with the task of planning for both Mainstream and Special Schools. I'm grateful for those who forewarned me about how massive and complicated this would be. 

A trial date for Max's Medical Litigation Case has been set for December of this year. This is something which has been bumbling along in the background of my life for the last 4 and a half years. I can't say much about the specifics of this, other than to say his case is strong (very strong). 

As part of this, we're required to attend loads of appointments with various Independent specialists. The purpose of these appointments, is for them to assess the impact Max's stroke and make predictions about what his needs will be for the rest of his life. 

Having to re-tell the story of Max's stroke, has bought up a whole lotta anger and sadness (for me). It's forced me to acknowledge the dark place our world became after that day. The dreams I had vs the way life has turned out. The never ending struggle to find silver linings and the strength to live another day.

Hearing the experts predictions about Max's future, hasn't been all that fun either. I knew they'd all be focusing on worst case scenario type stuff. Turns out the worst case scenario, is a fair bit worse than I expected. 

There's no way I would be surviving this journey, if it wasn't for the support of my family. They are absolutely brilliant. Nonetheless, this journey is mine and mine alone. It's hard to describe the sense of feeling so unbelievably alone, when I'm rarely alone in the physical sense. 

The optimist in me, wants to end this post on a positive note. There are loads of positives and I'm not one to wallow around in self pity. Everything will be alright and I know I'll survive, because I have no other choice. But that's all the positivity I can muster right now. 

I promise I'll do better next time. 

Over and out.