Tuesday, 26 July 2016

Free at last

I've never made secret of the fact, that neither of my children were planned. When Silvie was conceived back in 2014, I knew there was something special this child was going to teach me. I mean, what are the odds of a condom breaking on the EXACT same day I ovulate? It was fate and this little girl needed to enter my life. 

For a long time, I didn't understand the reasons fate had chosen to impregnate me with version 2.0. Life was hard enough with Max. Life got even harder once Silvie was born. The sleep deprivation was enormous, the depression became profound and for the first time ever, I was crippled (yes, crippled) by anxiety. 

I was already accustomed to carrying most of the load at home, but with an extra tiny human in the house, the pressure became unbearable. I sometimes wondered if the Universe had made a mistake. What was it trying to teach me, by breaking me entirely? 

I felt trapped. Invisible bars around my house, the reality of living with family violence. I couldn't escape the yelling, the screaming, the constant put downs. I'll never forget the day I finally hit rock bottom. 

That was when I started to see, all the beautiful things my daughter was here to show me. She looked up to me, I was her female role model and what was I teaching her? That it was ok to live with a man who abused and tormented her mother? I knew then, what I needed to do. 

The last 12 months, I've spent rebuilding my sanity and preparing for our escape. I found my inner 'Sparkles' again and discovered that she's still pretty fabulous. Then, last month, with an Army of supporters, we left. 

I'm choking up as I write this. I'll forever be indebted to the amazing people who have helped me in recent months (one very special person in particular). As well as my children, who gave me the strength to keep going, long after I decided to give up. 

I understand, why my daughter chose me to be her mother. She has taught me that if she deserves better, than I deserve better too. I'm proud of the role model I am now. Freedom is a glorious thing and something I'll never take for granted again. It's a different kind of 'happily ever after' and that's a lesson I'm happy to teach her. 

Life is good. The future looks brilliant. 
Team Alpha Wolf Squadron. Over and out.

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