Dear Maxwell

Dear Maxwell,

In a week, you will be turning 1. Such a small number but such a huge milestone. We've (almost) made it through one whole year, can you believe it?

The night, I found out I was pregnant with you, I was petrified. I didn't think I was cut out to be a mum. I was selfish, reckless and completely crap at being an adult. That fear stayed with me, the whole time I was pregnant. I adored you, well before I'd even met you but I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to give you, everything you needed/wanted/deserved.

I need to apologize, for the very first thought I had, when I saw you for the first time. It should have been something like "wow, that's my baby, he is so beautiful". Instead, it was "wow, he looks like a purple, slimy frog". I still feel guilty for that.

I was overwhelmed by the intensity of how much love I felt for you. Love, that made my heart skip a beat every time I looked about you. Love, that made irrational fears seem totally rational. Love, so intense, I was terrified by the thought of something bad happening to you. That love has only gotten stronger and I apologise if that makes me a little crazy sometimes.

For those first 10 weeks at home, we all slept in the lounge room. I know it sounds a bit crazy, but I could only relax, knowing that I wouldn't fall into a deep sleep on the couch. You woke almost every morning at 2am and we watched the Love Boat, while you guzzled your milk. You never slept much beyond 6am, 9pm became a 'late night'.

You've been through more in your first 12 months, than any child should have to endure. You've fought bigger battles than any other (almost) 1 year old I know. It isn't fair and sometimes my heart literally aches because I can't make everything better.

But ultimately, everything you've been through has made you the little man you are today. You are stubborn, determined and strong. You get a cheeky glint in your eye when you're about to do something naughty. You laugh at me, when I'm angry. When I tell you "NO", you think it's hilarious. You've spent so much time around doctors and nurses, you're not at all shy. You're flirtatious with the ladies. You make me laugh every single day, you're such a clown.

Maxwell, in a week you will be 1 year old. In 1 year, you've taught me the true meaning of the word love. In 1 year, you've taught me to be strong and stand up for what I believe in. In 1 year, you've taught me more than the previous 30 ever did.

If I could wish one thing, it would be to make you as happy as you have made me.

Happy Birthday Max. I adore you.

Love,
Mummy



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