This one's for the Daddies

I feel like taking a break from the usual blogging stuff, to do a random parenting post. I've written about the first few weeks of parenthood before (*if I knew how, I'd insert link here______*) but this one is especially for the first time daddies. Enjoy.

- be extremely careful about the jokes you make to the mummy. They may seem funny to you and under usual circumstances, the mummy might find them funny BUT.....we're exhausted, our 'bits' hurt (or Caesar wounds), it hurts when we poo and we're leaking fluid from every orifice. The hormones we had when we were pregnant have gone and they've been replaced by new, highly anxious and obsessional ones. When the baby cries, it makes us unbearably anxious and we are powerless against it. When the baby isn't crying, we're anxious about the next time the baby starts crying. We can't help it, it's what our bodies were programmed to do & we will calm down. As a general rule, "when in doubt, don't say it". Now let's see if you're still paying attention. Boobies.

- If you're like the majority of blokes, you won't have read a single parenting book during the pregnancy (skimming through it doesn't count). If this is the case, then please, "Shut the f*ck up". We aren't experts but we've probably educated ourselves a bit more on the topic then you have. We have the final say and you must go along with it. End of story. Are you still reading or are you skimming? Tittie fart.

- It is highly unlikely that we want to hear your mothers opinion, so don't share it. It may be gospel to you but it isn't for us. Nor do we give a shit about "Jason from works missus" or some parenting story you saw on TV. If you notice this one, then you must be actually paying attention. Giant norgs. Furthermore, if you want to continue breathing, never ever compare us to another mother, unless you're saying we are better.

- 'doing nothing time' no longer exists. We appreciate that it'd be really nice to come home from your place of employment and pop your feet up in front of the TV. That was in the good ol' days before baby, not now. You see, we've also been working all day, we don't often get a break and we are probably covered in baby puke. It's unlikely that we've showered, eaten or pooed. We're emotionally drained, our bodies hurt and we're deprived of sleep. We resent you, for spending the day away and having simple luxuries like an uninterrupted lunch, even though we don't wanna trade places. If you're still reading this, I'm impressed. Doodle doodle ball bag.

- Sex. We don't want it right now, it's the furthest thing from our minds. Imagine that a tiny balloon was inserted in the tip of your penis. Imagining it? Good. Now imagine this balloon being inflated to the size of our baby and tearing your penis to shreads. Ooh. That sounds nice doesn't it? You'd be scared to pee now wouldn't you?* You will have sex again and you won't die in the meantime. Instead, you can stroke our hair, rub our necks and tell us we're awesome. It'll improve your chances of getting laid later down the track.
*you'll want to argue this point by saying that we don't give birth through our peehole-correct. But our cervix is roughly the same size as a matchstick and look what comes out of it. If you still want to argue, shut up.

I could probably keep going on this topic forever. But given that you've probably been forced to read this and you have an important Playstation game to get back to, I'll stop. Just remember "this too shall pass". Life will get easier, you will get laid again and we will get saner. We just need a little TLC and help from you.

Penis.

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