Go on, say it. I dare you.

I don't assimilate well with the mumsy crowd. For the sake of convenience, I usually attribute that to Max's stroke. The truth is though, I find most of them rather boring. I'd much prefer the company of a homicidal paranoid schizophrenic, then a Jersey Shore loving, Fox FM listening, fashionista. I'm not exaggerating.

Max is a social butterfly, he isn't the least bit shy and he likes to stop to chat with anyone he meets. Especially pretty ladies. So, I often find myself making small talk with the very people who would normally erk me to tears. "yeah he's cute....18 months....yes he is very blonde....no he didn't get that from me....yes his smile is gorgeous". Surprisingly to anyone who knows me well, I kinda enjoy it. I like meeting new people when I'm out with Max. I love how toddlers have no pre-conceived ideas about someone's personality based on race/religion/clothes (etc). I absolutely adore their lack of understanding about social norms. What I love the most though, is his attention span, "yes darling that person is quite dull, let's move on shall we?".

Today, we were at a play centre and I was dutifully following Max, making small talk with some slightly upper class mumsies. I struck up a conversation with one mummy, and instantly fell in love with her brutal honesty. Instead of the usual pleasantries, that send me off to snoozletown, we had a refreshingly honest chat about how annoying our kids were.

In the 5 minutes we spoke, we shared forbidden secrets. The type of things you don't openly admit to most people or they might dob you in to CPS. Things that make you feel guilty because you think you're the only mother who thinks them. And you know what? It felt goooooood.

We all love our kids more than any words can describe and I haven't met a parent yet who would have life any other way. But in those 5 minutes a load was lifted off my shoulders, I told that lady, things I don't tell many people. Who's brave enough to join me? Let's all cut the fluff for a moment and be flipping honest. I promise you, it feels fantastic.

My son is 18 months old, he's cute, he's blonde and he has a wicked grin. But you know what?

He is annoying as hell.





Yes, you're very clever darling, now stop.....hey, don't throw my bra in the rubbish bin and for the love of Jebus would you STOP chewing on my undies??!




Love you baby xxx


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Please don't eat my undies...

I've worked as a psychiatric nurse for almost 10 years and in that time, I've found myself saying some pretty strange things. For example-
(1) No. You are not a hobbit.
(2) Clark Kent is otherwise known as Superman, not 'Cyclops'.
(3) Why would the crystals be anywhere near your uterus?
(4) If you really are Jesus/Allah/Budha, why can't you get out of the psych ward?
(5) You don't need 'love' to have a shower, you need 'soap'. Got it? Soap.
(6) No. You are not an ATM.

(I could go on....)

But, since Max has entered toddlerhood, I've found myself saying things that pisses all over the bizarre stuff I'm used to. Most days, are 'one of those' days. He drives me mental, in a 'wouldn't have it any other way, kinda way'. I'm waiting for the day he looks at me, sighs and feably says "please don't _______". Once, he's down for the night and I've gathered the scraps of my precarious sanity back, I giggle. So, I thought I'd share some of our finest moments to date......

- Do not sweep the dog. Do not sweep mummy. Do not hit daddy with your broom. For the love of god, give me that broom!

- Why is the dog wearing spaghetti? Why is there a noodle on the dogs ear?

- Stop chewing my undies.

- Get your toe out of my nose.

- Please don't put your slobbery banana down my bra.

- Oi. Get my iPhone away from your doodle. NO! Don't rub the TV remote on your doodle instead.

- We are here to feed the ducks NOT swim in the lake with them.

- The toilet is not a toy.

- Does this look like Kings Cross to you? No? Then stop trying to eat food scraps from the bin.

- Why are you wedging that teaspoon between my boobs?

- We don't eat lint from the clothes dryer.

And the phrase that gets said the most?




"You're lucky you're cute"

Love you baby boy, don't go changing.