Saturday, 15 September 2012

Please don't eat my undies...

I've worked as a psychiatric nurse for almost 10 years and in that time, I've found myself saying some pretty strange things. For example-
(1) No. You are not a hobbit.
(2) Clark Kent is otherwise known as Superman, not 'Cyclops'.
(3) Why would the crystals be anywhere near your uterus?
(4) If you really are Jesus/Allah/Budha, why can't you get out of the psych ward?
(5) You don't need 'love' to have a shower, you need 'soap'. Got it? Soap.
(6) No. You are not an ATM.

(I could go on....)

But, since Max has entered toddlerhood, I've found myself saying things that pisses all over the bizarre stuff I'm used to. Most days, are 'one of those' days. He drives me mental, in a 'wouldn't have it any other way, kinda way'. I'm waiting for the day he looks at me, sighs and feably says "please don't _______". Once, he's down for the night and I've gathered the scraps of my precarious sanity back, I giggle. So, I thought I'd share some of our finest moments to date......

- Do not sweep the dog. Do not sweep mummy. Do not hit daddy with your broom. For the love of god, give me that broom!

- Why is the dog wearing spaghetti? Why is there a noodle on the dogs ear?

- Stop chewing my undies.

- Get your toe out of my nose.

- Please don't put your slobbery banana down my bra.

- Oi. Get my iPhone away from your doodle. NO! Don't rub the TV remote on your doodle instead.

- We are here to feed the ducks NOT swim in the lake with them.

- The toilet is not a toy.

- Does this look like Kings Cross to you? No? Then stop trying to eat food scraps from the bin.

- Why are you wedging that teaspoon between my boobs?

- We don't eat lint from the clothes dryer.

And the phrase that gets said the most?

"You're lucky you're cute"

Love you baby boy, don't go changing.


  1. My bubba boy has just turned one, and has all of a sudden gone MENTAL!!! It is like a whirlwind passes through the place as he moves around the house pulling papers and books off the desk or shelves, shredding said papers and books to bits, as well as newspapers and magazines, pulling onions out of the pantry (somehow getting in to the pantry), dragging toys from wherever I have 'neatly' placed them to where ever he feels like, toilet paper from its roll.... you get the idea...I call him my little cheeky monkey, so all day all he hears is 'Mooonnnnnnnkkkkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyy, nnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!'. (His first word will be NO for sure!! I keep telling myself to mix it up, but keep reverting back to NO'. Your list is so much better!!

    1. Marnie, I assure you we have plenty of those moments too!! The trick with Max, is to not give him a big reaction otherwise it eggs him on. So I hafta try and keep a poker face- which is impossible when he's about to stick his hand in the heater. On a bad day, my war cry is "LEAVE IT!!!" or "WOULD YOU JUST STOP??". Our loungeroom used to be (pretty much) toddler proof but now he's learnt to climb, it's on for young and old.
      Happy Birthday to your little monkey (and 'happy anniversary' mummy)