(1) No. You are not a hobbit.
(2) Clark Kent is otherwise known as Superman, not 'Cyclops'.
(3) Why would the crystals be anywhere near your uterus?
(4) If you really are Jesus/Allah/Budha, why can't you get out of the psych ward?
(5) You don't need 'love' to have a shower, you need 'soap'. Got it? Soap.
(6) No. You are not an ATM.
(I could go on....)
But, since Max has entered toddlerhood, I've found myself saying things that pisses all over the bizarre stuff I'm used to. Most days, are 'one of those' days. He drives me mental, in a 'wouldn't have it any other way, kinda way'. I'm waiting for the day he looks at me, sighs and feably says "please don't _______". Once, he's down for the night and I've gathered the scraps of my precarious sanity back, I giggle. So, I thought I'd share some of our finest moments to date......
- Do not sweep the dog. Do not sweep mummy. Do not hit daddy with your broom. For the love of god, give me that broom!
- Why is the dog wearing spaghetti? Why is there a noodle on the dogs ear?
- Stop chewing my undies.
- Get your toe out of my nose.
- Please don't put your slobbery banana down my bra.
- Oi. Get my iPhone away from your doodle. NO! Don't rub the TV remote on your doodle instead.
- We are here to feed the ducks NOT swim in the lake with them.
- The toilet is not a toy.
- Does this look like Kings Cross to you? No? Then stop trying to eat food scraps from the bin.
- Why are you wedging that teaspoon between my boobs?
- We don't eat lint from the clothes dryer.
And the phrase that gets said the most?
"You're lucky you're cute"
Love you baby boy, don't go changing.