Sunday, 21 December 2014

It was the 5th of February, 2014. I jumped up from the bed screaming "what do you mean it broke? Aaaaaaaaaaaah" I didn't want another baby, there was no way in hell I was going through any of that again. Thanks. Very. Much. Not long after, I drove to the chemist with every intention of buying the morning after pill. I found myself lingering in the baby aisle, and then the pregnancy test aisle. I never made it to the counter, I just lingered around with my hand instinctively hovered over my belly, wondering what if? I stood in the Manor Lakes pharmacy for a good 20 minutes before I decided to leave things in the hands of fate. I couldn't see any good reason why I should become a mother again, only a million reasons why I shouldn't. But I walked away and for the next few weeks, I waited.....

Silvie Lena Valentine is now 8 weeks old and Christmas is only a few days away. She was born on the 23rd of October and this time around, I have some perfect memories from that day. Max is besotted by her and he calls her 'Shil-vee Yeena' or 'Baby Yeena'. Silvie looks nothing like her brother did at this age. He was bald and blonde, whilst she has a head full of fluffy brown hair. Even at this young age, her temperament seems calmer then his (famous last words!). She is absolutely beautiful.

Just hours old

The last 8 weeks have been every bit as tough as I imagined they'd be. And then a little more. I'm slowly getting used to having 2 children, but there are many days when I feel utterly broken. Some nights, Silvie wakes up a gazillion times and then Max starts the day with full force at 5am. When Max goes down for a nap, Silvie won't sleep until he has woken up (cheers kiddo). She spends hours in the early evening just being angry and inconsolable in general. I close my eyes when both kids are finally sleeping but Silvie usually wakes 2 or 3 more times before she finally sleeps. Those are the days I cry and moan that I'm never going to sleep again. Because I'm a total moron when I haven't slept. I wish I wasn't.

I didn't expect my mood to get so low during this time, because I felt great after I had Max. But it has. It's absolutely no reflection on how much I love my daughter. I adore her and I adore her brother but I'm drowning. I feel like I'm not exactly winning at this motherhood business right now.

On a lighter note, the increase in poop production, still blows my mind. Some days I swear Max has tripled his poop load so he can keep up with his sister. Silvie screams like a possessed baby when she's dirty but Max doesn't care. So I have to drop everything and run to clean one kid, and then run around to pin down the other. I've lost count of the mornings where I've stood in the lounge room and cried "There shall be no more pooping today, from ANYONE!". I've told Silvie it's
forbidden to poop between the hours of 7pm-7am, but she ain't really paying attention to that.

As Silvie approaches the 10 week mark, I can feel myself getting a bit anxious. On the one hand, I'm excited about experiencing all those 'normal' baby things which happen from that age. On the other, it makes me sad, though I can't exactly explain why. More than anything, I'm scared and nothing anyone says will change that. It's just something I'll have to ride out ('this too shall pass')

I'm grateful to fate for the decision it made for me that day back in February, I would have never consciously decided to have another child. I don't understand why people have additional children, when they can't handle the one/s they've already got. Yet, this is exactly what I've done. I know I'll find my groove and eventually life will become vaguely predictable again (don't laugh, I said VAGUELY). Until then, I'll make the most of the baby snuggles and enjoy this time when she's too young to destroy my house.

My babies are my universe.
One day I will sleep again.

No comments:

Post a Comment