The things I'll miss

People say some annoying stuff when you have a new baby and the thing which irked me the most this time around was 'make the most of every moment'. Really? Every. Single. Moment? Even when I'm elbow deep in poop at 2am? I'm meant to make the most of that? How's about you piss off.

Adjusting to a new little person in the house was HARD and something I initially struggled with more than I expected. I found myself feeling depressed and overwhelmed for awhile. The 'make the most of every moment' brigade drove me bat shit crazy.

Sure, I completely understand that my children will only be little for such a short time. Believe me, when Max and Silvie are angsty teens who don't wanna know me, my heart will yearn for the life I have now. But that doesn't mean I have to love every single shitty moment, because quite frankly, sometimes they suck.

I do however, make the most of every single beautiful moment we share, no matter how fleeting they may be. Sometimes, I even hear myself think 'I'm really going to miss that someday'. Like the big gummy smile Silvie gives me when she first wakes up and hasn't realised she's hungry yet. Makes me melt. Even at 2am.

I'm going to miss the laugh I get (on the inside) when Max does something utterly absurd to his sister, while she's blissfully unaware. "Max, why is there a muesli bar on Silvies head? Please don't stick your finger up her nose. Why are you licking your sister? Don't fart on the baby!" I know the day will come soon enough when she'll crack it with her overzealous big brother. For now, I bask in her babylicious tolerance.

I'm going to miss the way Max pronounces the word "look" as "yook". Actually, there are heaps of toddler words I'll miss, but 'yook' is my favourite because there's something magical about seeing the world through your child's eyes. The excitement that something completely mundane (to me), can bring to him, coupled with a really cute word just makes me SWOON. "Yook Mummy, yook, an ant! Yook mummy, dog do poo! Yook Mummy, train/car/digger/truck!". Yook here Max, don't let that speech therapist teach you how to say the word properly ok?
(Not yet anyway. Mummy isn't ready)

I'm going to miss the way Max absolutely has to 'help' making toast every morning. He gets Vegemite from here to Christchurch, then insists I say a big, emphatic "thanks for helping Max"

I'm going to miss the frantic head shaking, sucking thing Silvie does when she's hungry. I call it a 'snuzzle'. I'm going to miss the way her head wobbles like Stevie Wonder when she tries to hold it up for too long. I going to miss the way she smooches her face into my neck when she's tired. I'm going to miss the blissed out little facial expression she gets when I let the water run over her head in the shower.

Most of all, one day I'm going to miss crawling into bed at night and seeing the pair of them fast asleep next to me. Because that is when I love them the most. When the house is quiet and the chaos of the day is over. I just stare at their beautiful faces and wonder what they're dreaming about. Then I wonder how I ever lived without them.

The one thing I won't miss? The 430am wake ups. I won't miss those mofos. Not one. Single. Bit.

Dear Silvie and Maxwell

A friend of mine writes a popular blog about her life with 2 small children. Every few months she writes a post in the form of a letter to each of her kids, telling them about their personalities (etc) at that exact point in time. I've always loved reading those posts and have been telling myself that I should do the same thing. Now that I have 2 children, I feel it's even more paramount that I capture these things. Silvie is changing every day and I'm starting to see glimpses of her personality. I fear I'll forget these moments, if I don't write them down.

Silvie Lena
You are nearly 10 weeks old. Last night I looked at the photos from the day you were born and I was staggered by how much you've changed already. You were born with lots of thick brown hair and I thought you were absolutely beautiful. Looking back, you actually looked like an angry, red potato.

You LOVE to sleep but you're totally unpredictable. Sometimes you nap for 4+ hours during the day, sometimes it's 40 minutes. Some days, this totally does my head in. I wish I could predict how long you were going to sleep for because this seems to make or break our day. You don't like being awake much longer than an hour, you end up overtired ALL the time and then it's impossible to get you to sleep. I don't know how many hours I've spent patting your back and stroking your hair (I'm actually doing it right now).

You spent most of your first 6 weeks either in my arms or strapped to my chest in a baby carrier. You almost always woke up if I tried to put you down. You even spent overnight in my arms, because you slept so well that way and I was so desperate to sleep. I knew I had to change things, when it started taking me hours to resettle you, if I put you down for even a few minutes. This is still a work in progress. Admittedly, I still resort to holding you at 2am if you're unsettled. Because you know. 2am.

You absolutely love your Mumma and days can go by where you won't let anyone else near you. Sometimes I find this overwhelming, but I know this time passes too quickly, so I really try to make the most of it.

You've introduced me to 'arsenic hour', though I suspect 'arsenic hour' was named by the same genius who coined 'morning sickness'. I now know, that every afternoon/evening, you will completely lose your shiz somewhere between 3pm and 10pm. It doesn't seem to matter whether you've had a busy day, or a quiet one, it just happens. I'm trying to accept that this is going to happen no matter what I do. But I really can't wait for this stage to pass.
(You're currently 2 hours into arsenic hour right now. Please go to sleep)

Maxwell Hendrix

You are 3 years and 9 months old. You have significant language delays but irrespective of this, YOU NEVER STOP TALKING. If I could compare you to a movie character, you'd be 'Donkey' from Shrek. You ALWAYS have something to say. Lately, you've also started singing a lot but you muddle up your songs and create 'Max Medleys'. Today, I listened to you in the car as you sang 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star', which soon became 'The Wheels on the Bus', which somehow morphed into 'Frosty the Snowman' (and I'm sure I heard a Pirate song in there somewhere). You make me laugh so much.

You absolutely will not play by yourself. You follow me everywhere around the house saying "You come play with me?". I love playing with you, even though you are utterly exhausting! You actually don't care who plays with you, you approach every person you meet. Strangers at the park, people in the supermarket, pretty much anyone who makes eye contact with you. You are NOT shy. You're the life of every social gathering. You love to make people laugh.

You also enjoy making people angry. It's incredibly frustrating to live with this sometimes. You love to illicit a reaction and you really don't care if it's a negative one. After Silvie was born, you were completely out of control for awhile. I fully expected this to happen, but that didn't make it any easier. You smashed up the house nearly every day, you laughed maniacally when you saw how much it bothered me, you chanted "cry Mumma, CRY!" and you laughed even harder if I did. I NEVER want to relive that time again.

Lately, I've seen a beautiful change in you. You're trying so hard to use your 'listening ears' and your 'noggin' (aka, your brain). Sometimes I see you stop and think before you do something silly. Even though you often choose the less than desirable behaviour, I'm so pleased to see you trying. You have a keen interest in so many things- trains, cars, motorbikes, gardening, cooking, swimming, music, animals. I love watching you trying to make sense of the world.

Welcome to the year 2015 Maxwell and Silvie, I'm so excited you chose me to be your Mumma. I can't wait to spend this new year with you both xxxx

Sweet dreams.