This is the story of my son Max. On the 2nd of June, 2011 Max had a stroke and was admitted to the ICU at the Royal Childrens Hospital. On that day he was also diagnosed with Idiopathic Thrombocytopenic Purpura (ITP). At the time he was only 10 weeks old.
Thursday, 4 August 2011
A mothers guilt
Ok so maybe I should feel guity about this....:)
A friend of mine writes a brilliant blog about her experiences of being a first time mum. I love reading it because she says it how it is. No bullshit. It makes me reflect a lot on what being a mother is about. And it's made me realize that there is no 'perfect mum'. One thing that I never expected to feel so often as a mother is guilt. I've since learnt that this is a fairly common 'mum thing' and perhaps doesn't mean that I'm a bad mother. Recently I returned to work. I didn't feel that guilty about working, we need a roof over our head and food on the table. What I felt guilty about was needing a few hours sleep after finishing my night shift. In my glorious 'supermum' fantasies I imagined myself breezily walking in the house and continuing with the day full of smiles and love for my child. Ergh right. Instead I was smelly, surly and confused. I tried to sleep for a few hours whilst Rob entertained Max but I couldn't. Why? Because I felt guilty. It's almost like one becoming a mother you become a little bit crazy. I know that a lot of my guilt is irrational but I feel it anyway. Lately I've been able to put Max on his playmat in the mornings while I make myself a coffee. I feel guilty about leaving him on his own for my own flippant caffiene requirements. I felt guilty this morning when I woke from a fabulous dream by him crying. I put the dummy in his mouth so I could try and return to the dream. I've only once made him homemade purée and that had so many lumps in it that he wouldn't eat it. Guilty again.